I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
