Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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