Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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