I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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