You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
