can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
