Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
