i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
