she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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