Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We are all done wearing pants today
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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