I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
