the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
