I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
