I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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