my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
