Someone shit on the floor
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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