I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
