It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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