You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
