I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
