I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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