My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
