Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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