if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
