Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
