honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
