the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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