Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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