we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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