He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
