just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
