My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
