im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
