I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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