Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
