Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
