When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Houston, we have a squirter
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
