I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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