i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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