just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
