god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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