OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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