Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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