Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
babies were throwing up all over the place
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
