You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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