There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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