May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
