Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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