His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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