today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She's the barista slut.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
