I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize