i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
There are leaves in my underwear?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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