I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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