do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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