I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
