I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
