he wants to bone in the snuggie
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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