I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I skipped work to stalk him.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize