On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
