I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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